I am not the me I thought I once was.
I can no longer portray the performative, slightly surreal & fictitious image of a drumming, singing, dancing creative who is hyper-capable, productive, successful, talented etc ..etc This has been the externalised image of my 'self' for a number of decades.... This cultivated image has never been the full picture.
These days I have added elements to my assemblage for mobility assistance including a walker & a wheelchair. Walking is a risky business. I use the same level of focus to walk across the room as I used to use to perform complex choreographies with multiple dancers. I have a neurological condition which means that my body/mind requires a level of focus on the basics of life far beyond what I had become accustomed to. Mastery looks very different these days.
As part of my transition / transformation / un-ravelling / re-weaving of my 'self' as a crip artist - a crip art-ivist, a disabled artist with a chronic illness, I require witnesses, collaborators, a collective hive mind who are open to sharing & acknowledging that our intra-actively vulnerable challenges may actually have something to offer this broader, ecological moment in time. We find ourselves in an extraordinarily precarious moment with- in - part of - a planet full of trouble. Our individual troubles are signifiers to the troubles in the world.
We find ourselves in an extraordinarily precarious moment with - in - part of - a planet full of trouble. Our individual troubles are signifiers to the troubles in the world.
I am fascinated by cripistemologies - the shifting sands of reality where simply existing is a kind of mastery, & ENOUGH, where concepts of - time, existence, 'human', nature, capability, us, them, in, out - unravel & coalesce, compost into new / old / meta realities. What if the re-weaving that is necessary when a person is clearly not a 'normal', 'productive' member of society, has some keys or pointers to what is needed with - in a planet with a growing number of, what Sunaura Taylor refers to as, 'disabled ecologies'. What if there are multiplicitous, vital, flourishing, exquisite possibilities in the experience of crip / impaired / otherwise / disability, which could ease our path in traversing this ecological / social / more than - other -than human - planet - galaxy - where do we begin & end moment.
This is not to say that there is no suffering or grief or discomfort or difficulty in my experience of having a chronic health condition & a disability - it is to say - that is not all that is happening - i am not defined by my illness or by the discomfort or suffering that it inspires. My condition inspires suffering & frustration as well as, inspiration, joy & a sort of liberation from the constraining constructs of my social world. One of the most challenging things about my condition is the ableist lens that people see me through - the inability to see me through their assumption that suffering must be the extent of my current lived experience.
I can not shape shift / realign / transition / transform into something else on my own. My understandings, sensed reality, lived experience are not separable from yours or the other- than -human with - in me, intertwined with me in a complex, tapestristic ecology that is a turbulent flow of exterior / interior - isation.
If I am a crip artist in a darkened, sealed room - am I a crip | disabled artist? Schrodingers Crip is a paradox. I am what I am because of my interior experience of the world & yet this interior experience of the world is in constant relationship to that which is not me & yet moves through me. Furthermore, to be 'seen' - for my gifts to be acknowledged & received - to be accepted by a community of human & other-than-human for being richly, vitally, flawed (as we all are) feels pertinent. Our experience of crip - time and crip - cult can be offered as a gift, as clues to the emerging realignment , un-ravelling of late stage capitalism, a kind of prophesy of the rich impairment that we will all experience at some stage in our lives & transition to death. A reminder that in each moment the priority - the what is needed - may morph - that tapping into what is needed by ourselves, our families, our ecologies may well be more important than our job or doing whatever we said we were going to do. Honouring Crip Time, being 'un reliable' or 'irresponsible', in other words allowing for what-is-with-us now, may well be the most responsible thing we can do for ourselves, our loved ones, our communities & other-than-human ecologies.
For my transition / un-ravelling / re-weaving / transformation to become riper, I feel the urge to be seen in my re-woven-ness. This is not an exercise in destination pedalling - and yet ? Can my un-ravelling / re-woven-ness into a crip art-ivist with a chronic illness be celebrated ? Could I have a series of ritual celebrations similar to when someone finishes a book or completes a theatre project or has a baby or some such meaningful emerging from a liminal state. Can I celebrate never going back to the self whose sense of self worth was dependent on the last successfully, peer reviewed creative project? Can we celebrate the flux, the, "I don't know what I am becoming - anymore than anyone else does"?
I have entered a great un-knowing - where 'self' representation has become an enigmatic signifier for a new way of being in the world that accepts illness, impairment, endless diversity, death, flux, grief & loss as intricately interlaced, fundamental elements of the extraordinary world we are part of - rather than as somehow opposed to, or an obstacle in the way of, my true, healthy, whole self. Where the politics, anxiety & status stuck to 'identity' like limpets has melted & oozes into the soil like rotting, semi decomposed food - ripe to becoming sweet smelling, life giving compost.
Inspired by the glorious thinkers /writers Craig Slee, Sophie Strand & others, being crip or chronically ill or disabled, can be seen as a portal to another way of experiencing the world, where our interior experience of the world, as a shifting porous assemblage is utterly intra -dependent on all that could be seen as exterior to 'us', where we can inhabit multiple bodies, shape- shifting from tree, to bee, to dappled light to mountain. A vital free unencumbered, multi bodied - porous assemblage. Where the ability to dis-associate from the singular, separate 'self' is a homed skill rather than a pathologised problem to be solved.
Thanks to Bayo Akomolafe and Friends & the We Will Dance With Mountains cohort I connected with Craig Slee who introduced me to the ideas of Fiona Kumari Campbell & the concept of Ableism. Within the WWDWM course/festival I discovered dear friends who were as intrigued as me about these ideas. These creative works & writing are a testament to the vitality to be found through connection. All of this was fertilised by & emerged out of these connections, between our brains. I consider these connections as priceless gifts. Dealing with the physical challenges of illness & disability is challenging. Understanding the flux of transformative understandings required to calmly sit beside who / what 'I', 'we' might be becoming, has been an extraordinary journey. It is a gift of unparalleled proportions to be welcomed into the world of crip.
Marianthe Loucataris
I can no longer portray the performative, slightly surreal & fictitious image of a drumming, singing, dancing creative who is hyper-capable, productive, successful, talented etc ..etc This has been the externalised image of my 'self' for a number of decades.... This cultivated image has never been the full picture.
These days I have added elements to my assemblage for mobility assistance including a walker & a wheelchair. Walking is a risky business. I use the same level of focus to walk across the room as I used to use to perform complex choreographies with multiple dancers. I have a neurological condition which means that my body/mind requires a level of focus on the basics of life far beyond what I had become accustomed to. Mastery looks very different these days.
As part of my transition / transformation / un-ravelling / re-weaving of my 'self' as a crip artist - a crip art-ivist, a disabled artist with a chronic illness, I require witnesses, collaborators, a collective hive mind who are open to sharing & acknowledging that our intra-actively vulnerable challenges may actually have something to offer this broader, ecological moment in time. We find ourselves in an extraordinarily precarious moment with- in - part of - a planet full of trouble. Our individual troubles are signifiers to the troubles in the world.
We find ourselves in an extraordinarily precarious moment with - in - part of - a planet full of trouble. Our individual troubles are signifiers to the troubles in the world.
I am fascinated by cripistemologies - the shifting sands of reality where simply existing is a kind of mastery, & ENOUGH, where concepts of - time, existence, 'human', nature, capability, us, them, in, out - unravel & coalesce, compost into new / old / meta realities. What if the re-weaving that is necessary when a person is clearly not a 'normal', 'productive' member of society, has some keys or pointers to what is needed with - in a planet with a growing number of, what Sunaura Taylor refers to as, 'disabled ecologies'. What if there are multiplicitous, vital, flourishing, exquisite possibilities in the experience of crip / impaired / otherwise / disability, which could ease our path in traversing this ecological / social / more than - other -than human - planet - galaxy - where do we begin & end moment.
This is not to say that there is no suffering or grief or discomfort or difficulty in my experience of having a chronic health condition & a disability - it is to say - that is not all that is happening - i am not defined by my illness or by the discomfort or suffering that it inspires. My condition inspires suffering & frustration as well as, inspiration, joy & a sort of liberation from the constraining constructs of my social world. One of the most challenging things about my condition is the ableist lens that people see me through - the inability to see me through their assumption that suffering must be the extent of my current lived experience.
I can not shape shift / realign / transition / transform into something else on my own. My understandings, sensed reality, lived experience are not separable from yours or the other- than -human with - in me, intertwined with me in a complex, tapestristic ecology that is a turbulent flow of exterior / interior - isation.
If I am a crip artist in a darkened, sealed room - am I a crip | disabled artist? Schrodingers Crip is a paradox. I am what I am because of my interior experience of the world & yet this interior experience of the world is in constant relationship to that which is not me & yet moves through me. Furthermore, to be 'seen' - for my gifts to be acknowledged & received - to be accepted by a community of human & other-than-human for being richly, vitally, flawed (as we all are) feels pertinent. Our experience of crip - time and crip - cult can be offered as a gift, as clues to the emerging realignment , un-ravelling of late stage capitalism, a kind of prophesy of the rich impairment that we will all experience at some stage in our lives & transition to death. A reminder that in each moment the priority - the what is needed - may morph - that tapping into what is needed by ourselves, our families, our ecologies may well be more important than our job or doing whatever we said we were going to do. Honouring Crip Time, being 'un reliable' or 'irresponsible', in other words allowing for what-is-with-us now, may well be the most responsible thing we can do for ourselves, our loved ones, our communities & other-than-human ecologies.
For my transition / un-ravelling / re-weaving / transformation to become riper, I feel the urge to be seen in my re-woven-ness. This is not an exercise in destination pedalling - and yet ? Can my un-ravelling / re-woven-ness into a crip art-ivist with a chronic illness be celebrated ? Could I have a series of ritual celebrations similar to when someone finishes a book or completes a theatre project or has a baby or some such meaningful emerging from a liminal state. Can I celebrate never going back to the self whose sense of self worth was dependent on the last successfully, peer reviewed creative project? Can we celebrate the flux, the, "I don't know what I am becoming - anymore than anyone else does"?
I have entered a great un-knowing - where 'self' representation has become an enigmatic signifier for a new way of being in the world that accepts illness, impairment, endless diversity, death, flux, grief & loss as intricately interlaced, fundamental elements of the extraordinary world we are part of - rather than as somehow opposed to, or an obstacle in the way of, my true, healthy, whole self. Where the politics, anxiety & status stuck to 'identity' like limpets has melted & oozes into the soil like rotting, semi decomposed food - ripe to becoming sweet smelling, life giving compost.
Inspired by the glorious thinkers /writers Craig Slee, Sophie Strand & others, being crip or chronically ill or disabled, can be seen as a portal to another way of experiencing the world, where our interior experience of the world, as a shifting porous assemblage is utterly intra -dependent on all that could be seen as exterior to 'us', where we can inhabit multiple bodies, shape- shifting from tree, to bee, to dappled light to mountain. A vital free unencumbered, multi bodied - porous assemblage. Where the ability to dis-associate from the singular, separate 'self' is a homed skill rather than a pathologised problem to be solved.
Thanks to Bayo Akomolafe and Friends & the We Will Dance With Mountains cohort I connected with Craig Slee who introduced me to the ideas of Fiona Kumari Campbell & the concept of Ableism. Within the WWDWM course/festival I discovered dear friends who were as intrigued as me about these ideas. These creative works & writing are a testament to the vitality to be found through connection. All of this was fertilised by & emerged out of these connections, between our brains. I consider these connections as priceless gifts. Dealing with the physical challenges of illness & disability is challenging. Understanding the flux of transformative understandings required to calmly sit beside who / what 'I', 'we' might be becoming, has been an extraordinary journey. It is a gift of unparalleled proportions to be welcomed into the world of crip.
Marianthe Loucataris
